List ten things you want to say to people but know you never will.


- Don't say who they are.
- Never discuss it again


( Ten things listed here )

REMEMBER

- Never discuss it again

I got the House MD season one box set a few days ago, so I made a new icon to commemorate.

What is it about smoking that makes complete strangers think they have the right to come up to you in public and tell you that it's bad for you and you should quit?
No, really? I thought it was good for me.

You know the feeling you get when there is a book sitting next to you that you haven't read but you know you're going to enjoy reading.

I've always felt that feeling of anticipation in the pit of my stomach. I love it.

I got two books yesterday and I've read one of them.

I saved the one I was most looking forward to reading for last, it's sitting there waiting.

Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett.

I love the books they write on their own, I can only imagine how much I'm going to laugh reading the book they wrote together.

Or am I the only one who feels that way about books?

**** THE PROOF THAT headlessblunder IS EVIL ****

   H   E   A   D   L   E   S   S   B   L   U   N   D   E   R
   8   5   1   4  12   5  19  19   2  12  21  14   4   5  18     - as numbers
   8   5   1  4   3   5   1   1   2   3   3   5   4   5   9     - digits added
  \_________/ \_________/ \_________/ \_________/ \_________/
   5           3           4           2           9             - digits added

Thus, "headlessblunder" is 53429.

Turn the number backwards, divide by 7 - the sacred number of Illuminati. The
number is now 13205.

Subtract 23, the symbol of death. The result will be 13182.

Subtract 69, the year of the destruction of Jerusalem. The result will be
13113.

Turn the number backwards, and add 1181 - the year UFO was first observed in
China and Japan. The number is now 32312.

Turn the number backwards, and add 1887 - the year Erwin Schrodinger, known
for hatred to all furry animals and heresy, was born. The number is now 23210.

This, when read backwards, gives 01232. This is 666 in octal, the number of
the Beast...

Evil, QED.

If you want proof that you're evil, just check out Michal Zalewski's Evil Finder

and it offers 64 possible outcomes. Not to mention it's about one of my favourite things

BOOKS

You're Night!

by Elie Wiesel

You've had some truly horrific experiences, especially recently, and
you can barely stand to discuss them. While many people are afraid of getting close to
you because of this, it has also built a fascination and admiration of you that is hard
to rival. You know that things are about to get better soon, but that the trauma will be
impossible to forget. You are short, but powerful.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Um... okay.

What book are you?

Reuters - Richard Pryor, who helped transform comedy with biting commentary on race and often profane reflections on his own shortcomings, died on Saturday at age 65 after a long illness, his wife and associates said.

To all my wonderful friends

I'M BACK

So this is for chalicedreams, I have other photos and a larger copy of this pic. I'll make sure I put them on a cd for you before I leave.

<<<<< Photo deleted >>>>>

By the way, the mp3 didn't turn out too badly. It's not fantastic but it isn't terrible either :D

Happy Birthday chaotic_avatar

Love you heaps!

You know what I love about being me?

I love that I can do little more than read all week and still feel like I've done something worthwhile (and I have).

I've always been a fast reader, one of my teachers used to say "Bec you don't read books, you breath them in." There's probably some truth in that.

A list of books I've read since 16 July:

The Colour of magic by Terry Pratchett*
The light fantastic by Terry Pratchett*
Reaper Man by Terry Pratchett*
Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince by J.K. Rowling
Smoke and Mirrors by Neil Gaiman
Drawing Blood by Poppy Z. Brite
Walden by Henry David Thoreau

I've also written two short stories in the last two weeks. And after doing little more than that, I feel refreshed.


*chaotic_avatar has introduced me to the wonders of Terry Prachett's Discworld novels. I have spent much time giggling like a maniac as a result.

I'm going to be trying desperatey over the next few days to quit smoking. And I WILL quit. And I need my non-smoking friends to give me a kick every now and then when I get into the ocassional "I need a cigarette, I need a cigareete" mood.

And I know that I'm not exactly going to be easy to live with over the next few days but I beg of you please PLEASE forgive me for anything which I say or do while in nicotine withdrawal.

I know this is asking a lot of people but I really need your support.

I know that I have to kick this and I know that I CAN.

I think I need to make a lot of changes, I'm pretty aimless at the moment, but I want that to change and this is a good start.

So 4:50am and my last smoke is finished. I'm going to try and get a few hours sleep. Night all.

Why do I read imdb message boards? It's just painful.

My ankles still hurt but I've been able to move around on them, so I'm taking that as a good sign.

Also I'm seriously considering not speaking for the next two month. Just, you know, FYI.

Last night I actually managed to sprain both my ankles, so I'm in pain at the moment (also have some very nice bruises, if you like that sort of thing).

I can't really complain though because it was entirely my fault, I'm clumsy and I should have asked for help anyways.

Oh well, at least I'm feeling better today than I was yesterday.

You know what the Monty Python boys say...

This is the result of a writing prompt taken from Alchera Project, a wonderful website that i've recently joined but have been watching for a while now. New prompts are posted every month.

( Click here for 100 Random (and Completely Useless) Facts About Me )

4:15am
I'm starting to think there's something very wrong with me. I keep having these awful thoughts and as much as people tell me the thoughts are normal - expected even - it doesn't make them any less awful. I think that's what I'm most afraid of when I journal; what happens if I write the thoughts down? They become more real and then I have to deal with them. After that I have to grant the forgiveness I've been denying myself. I have to let go of the past and a lot of my preconceived notions.

Letting go is a concept that I seem particularly drawn to at the moment, all the stories, quotes essays and poems, everything I read points towards letting go of grief, anger, shame, hate, distrust, those pesky preconceived notions and in some cases people. I can almost hear some part of myself - buried so deep that I had probably hoped I would never find it - begging me to let go of the things that are holding me back. And to reach out for new experiences, new emotions, new people.

To let old friends in and allow them to be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to bend when I need it because they want to help. To reach out to people I don't know and tell them the truth, tell them something that will make them smile. To say something, no, share something that's more than just words for once in my life.

7:15pm
I'm feeling calmer now, more able to cope with everything that's running through my head. I'm starting to formulate a plan to help me deal with the awful thoughts. I don't think I'll get rid of them completely but I can make sure that they lose whatever power they have over me.

Writing out those awful thoughts is step one. Giving them a place to exist outside my head and leave them alone for a few days. To give myself distance from them, to help me look at them objectively, so that I can learn what I need to from them. Because the more I wander through my bad memories, the more I realise there really is a lesson in everything. Even the good times now that I think about it.

I'm not going to do any of this publicly - despite the fact that I post some of these entries on my livejournal - I'm not going to force all my painful/shameful/evil/apathetic thoughts on anyone but I know that people do worry about me and I guess that I want them to know that while I'm not okay right now - I think I will be.

The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views...which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.

-- Doctor Who

Forgiveness

Main Entry: forgive
Function: verb
1 a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for b : to grant relief from payment of < forgive a debt >
2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : Pardon < forgive one's enemies >
intransitive senses : to grant forgiveness

Forgiveness. It's really such a simple word and it has such a simple meaning but anyone who has ever sat down to think about it knows how complicated it can really be. It forces you to accept your own limitations - who hasn't said the phrase "I can't imagine forgiving…" at some point? So many times in the past I have admitted to having an imagination so limited by my own desperation that as a writer I cringe. And yes I meant to say desperation, because that's what it was and still is, the desperate need to hold onto my pain and insecurities because without them I have to consider what's left.

It seems so ridiculous to be writing about something so common, something that I've given unconditionally to so few and held back so vehemently from the rest. Actually pausing to consider a word that I've used thousands of times in my life - if not more - seems absurd. It needed to be done though, because it's something that I find difficult. Forgiveness, I'm ashamed to say, is not something that comes easily to me.

I'm usually the first one to say 'I'm too lazy to hold a grudge' but it is bullshit, anyone who knows me can tell you that it isn't true. I can hold a grudge with the best of them (and often do). I can bitch and backstab relentlessly if I feel that it's deserved, though that's only really reserved for people who have hurt people I care about. Sometimes I'm the ringleader and sometimes I follow and that's just when it comes to forgiving others, there's a lot in my past that I'm sorry for - too much for someone so young - and I've never forgiven myself for any of it.

From saying something stupid at a party to nearly destroying friendships in my search for something good. I've never told myself that it's in the past, forgiveness has never entered into it. I've never forgiven myself for leaving school when I did, for trying to hurt myself, for not being open with the people I love, for not being pretty enough. Hell, I haven't even forgiven myself for not doing more for my Pop and there wasn’t even anything more that could have been done. Pretty screwed up, huh?

But then situations and betrayals that need forgiving generally are. At least as far as I can see.

I'm not saying that I'm ready to forgive or that I'm deserving of forgiveness - my own or anyone else's - for the things that I've done, just that it's something that I'm thinking about. And I think I'll get there soon enough.

But there is something buried in all that angst that I wanted to remedy more than anything else. I've never really shared who I am with people I love, never been very open about what I'm feeling or who I feel I am. That's what this livejournal is about.

Well that and a place to talk about Stargate: Atlantis.

Besides, confession is in.